Just a thought...

Reflection

As I look into the mirror, trying to put an unruly strand of hair back to place, I stared at the girl looking back at me. Not much change in the past year.. I decided. Have lost weight..again!!(Have given up trying to put on weight.. the more I try the more thinner I get) My hairstyle has become shorter but as messy as ever.. obvious dark circles under my eyes.(Thanks to the late nights at work.. uggh!!), but otherwise not much change!! So what about the rest of my life.. I wondered…

Its nearing June 21 and as usual.. Im getting restless, uneasy and reflective. For most of my friends, completion of another year at work means one more reason to party, a reason to rejoice, and to celebrate. And I guess that’s how it should be. Why cant I just be happy, throw a party and get on with it. Or why cant I just forget the date and carry on as if there is nothing significant. Why do I have to search, dig out and revisit my resume that has remained untouched for so many days? Why do I have to think, and jog my memory to list out all the things I learnt???

The moment we say a Year has gone by. its scary.. Another year.. 365 days gone!! Have I made the most of it? There are times I wish I could just hold time.. Scream and shout " Hey Wait up.. Im not done with this moment yet"! I wish I could get a grip of life. It just seems to zip past me, unknown, too soon.. As you run through the motions of everyday routine, too busy dealing with the same monotonous chores, too carried away with everyday work, feeling important at just being busy and having something to do..it takes an unassuming Date on the calendar to give you a jolt. Its like a shock treatment where you suddenly sit and look back. Yes u have been busy.. YES its been hectic.. So what is it that you were busy with? Was it worth the time? Have u grown, learnt, understood, matured, enjoyed?

As I took stock of the year gone by.. I realized that the past year at work has been a mixed bag with days of restless activity to days filled with nothing but absolute complete monotony. Days with wonderful challenges and days where I have wondered what the hell I was doing with my life. There were some wonderful moments and some not so worthwhile ones.

Last year was the year I Moved from one project to another. Though the manager offered me better work, a hike, a promotion and an onsite trip, I realized I couldnt stick on. I was bored and did not enjoy what I was doing. So it was better to move on. Though The project I moved to, was no better in terms of Technical growth, I learnt about dealing with people. In the inital project having joined as an Intern, I was always protected. I was always the little kid. No matter how many years, i would have still remained the little girl. So to suddenly step into the new project was about survival. There were many people and here it dealt mainly with reaching out to the right people and getting help to get the job done. And thats what I have been doing for months now. This past year had been charecterized by unearthly hours at work. Coming back at insane hours, eating at insane hours ,sleeping at insane hours and working at insane hours.As usual, when its something new, you attack it with full vigour, the challenge of doing something thats diffrent from what you have done before. Its as if you are proving a point, to show that you are up to it, you can do it too. And then slowly as days creeps by, life goes by and you wonder if you proved a point after all. And at what cost????

No.. I am not unhappy with the past year. I know I have learnt. I know I have matured. But am I truly truly happy? Is this what I want to do with my life?

Hmmmm....So what is the final assessment of the year gone.. Hmm.. Technically , Though I have learnt something, I can do much much better. But otherwise, there have been some really good people I have interacted with. Some real good stuff i learnt. Im having some really good responsibilities.

So all in all.. I have gained some and lost some!!

I looked into the mirror. The strand of hair that I had carefully brushed,was back on my face.. I smiled.. As far as I can still laugh at myself.. still go to sleep without a frown on my face. As far as I can stop while climbing down the stairs.. and notice the sunset and say Wow.. As far as I can understand that Life is about these little moments and making the most of these.. I think Im good.. Maybe its best to leave some questions unanswered.. Maybe its best not to get entangled in a web of complex thoughts.. Maybe its best to treat each day on its merits. Maybe its best to keep it simple! Maybe I should throw a party after all!!!:)

posted by sreeshma @ 8:04 pm